A lunch break blogger, just writing to hear herself talk.

Friday, February 22, 2013

The D.E.N.N.I.S. System

I think I got D.E.N.N.I.S.'d at the gym today!

Anyone who is not familiar with The D.E.N.N.I.S. System, please stop reading now and either go watch Season 5 Episode 10 of Always Sunny or just watch the below YouTube video. (TV-MA, ya'll)

So, there I am, just doin' my little workout in the corner of one of the rooms at the gym, minding my business. And in walks The Guy. He introduced himself but I forgot it immediately because there was something about his super light wash cargo jeans and wife beater that told me this guy wouldn't be in my life for long.

Now, The Guy did not follow the proper order of the DENNIS system... so that's probably why I wasn't seduced immediately. Yes. It was definitely the ORDER of events that made his attempt unsuccessful.

He asks if he could hit the heavy bag on the other side of the room. I'm like, "yea, it's a free country, bro" and I put my Fergie Radio back in my ear. So, he went over and started hitting the bag. But then he comes back over probably 30 seconds later and says "you know, if you want, you can hold the bag for me"

Huh? Why? No. "Pass" is all I can manage between burpees.

So, then he says "Or I'll hold your feet while you do sit ups..." WHILE I'M DOING BURPEES. Like he's recommending some sit ups or something. (Demonstrating Value)


Two strikes does NOT scare this guy off. He then stands in front of the mirror near me while talking about how fat he is (he isn't fat at all) and how much skinnier I am than he is (not true) so I make the fatal mistake of taking my headphones out and IT. WAS. ON.

Here is a short list of appalling things he said to me in the next 20 minutes of standing around punching the air holding 10lb weights in each hand while I sweat my tail off doing my workout:
  • "Is your name Mary? You look familiar" (classic, I'm not even mad about that one)
  • "I'm jealous girls don't get as sweaty as guys at the gym... well, now that I'm closer to you, you ARE pretty sweaty"
  • "You're 25? I would have guessed 30" (Neglect Emotionally)
  • "Are you an admin?"
  • "I didn't know there WERE girl engineers"
  • "You don't look smart enough to be an engineer" (Followed by a wink, which I'm going to credit him for "Engage Physically" because there was absolutely NO chance for ACTUAL physical contact and also, it caused a physical reaction in me. A gag mixed with an overwhelming urge to kick him in the sternum. For some reason that's what I always want to do to someone when they upset me. Kick them right between the nipples as hard as I can, Jackie Chan style)
  • "So, you have a degree... I don't have TIME for that kind of thing"
  • "I don't like to do cardio because I want to stay big enough to protect girls" (Nurture Dependence)
  • "Hess isn't my kind of company... I bet you and I would have personality conflicts" (COULD NOT AGREE MORE)
  • "I'd move to Midland for someone like you" (Completely unprovoked and out of the blue, almost immediately after telling me we'd have personality conflicts) (Inspire Hope)
  • "Well, bye, I guess I'll never see you again since I stood around for 20 minutes and you didn't ask for my number" (Separate Entirely)
Then he stood there with his hand out, wanting to shake hands goodbye! Now, ain't NOBODY got time to shake hands with a butthead. So, I just stood there, one eyebrow raised, staring him in the eye. He kind of wiggled his hand like I didn't notice he was extending it, then yelled "FINE!" in a 'roid rage kind of way and walked out.

Now, mind you, I'm pretty sure I could have put 'Neglect Emotionally' on any of his comments but the age one really stunned me because that's the first time I've heard that and it actually hurt my feelings a little. 

I mean... Daryl... I hope you're reading this. You've got competition. Really, really chauvinistic, trashy, offensive competition. (Also, you're a total catch and I'm lucky to have you! xo)


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