How Rosie Huntingon-Whitely stays skinny

Now THAT'S a blog post title I'd click on.

I decided I needed to do some personal nutrition research instead of just following bloggers and Biggest Loser advice. When I saw Rosie Huntington-Whitely's insta about Integrative Nutrition, I figured she's got the skinny, hot thing going on so I'd follow suit and I downloaded the book to my iPad.

So far? Integrative Nutrition gets TWO THUMBS DOWN. Granted I'm only a few chapters. By the end, I may be eating crow. But if that's the case, you'll all know it because I'll grow wings and a beak and poop on your car. Allow me to explain.

To start with, is Integrative Nutrition even proper English? I mean obviously it is... or it's close enough, it did get PUBLISHED. But I raised an eyebrow.

The first chapter was confusing, political, paranoid and contained no useful information but I was thinking "somehow this book helps make Rosie skinny... I must soldier through" and the second chapter did not fail me. I now know how she stays so skinny. Three words. Cross. Species. Transference.

Toward the end of chapter 2 was a little gem of a section called 'Cross-Species Transference' and OMG you guys. The excerpt:

"When I would meet people with pronounced, beak-like noses and tense, nervous dispositions, I would ask, "Have you eaten a lot of chicken?" Nine times out of 10, they would answer "yes." Think about Frank Purdue in all those commercials for his chicken conglomerate. He looked like a chicken. When I'd bump into someone strong and muscular, with a red face and ask if they ate a lot of beef, they would invariably answer 'yes'."

I'm sorry. What?! But this is it. This is the trick, you guys. Rosie Huntington-Whitely only eats foods she wants to look like... which is nothing. I can't think of any foods I'd want to look like. Rosie must not eat anything at all for fear she'll Violet Beauregarde out and turn purple or something. Or maybe she has a barbie mold for her tofu... maybe that would work.

An additional little helpful hint if you're also unhappy with your personality:

"In addition to influencing facial structure, cross-species transference produces animal-like habits in humans. Chickens spend a lot of time and energy creating a pecking order to establish who is higher on the social scale. They are generally noisy, nervous, frenetic creatures and, when raised in factory farms, they are cooped up in small, overcrowded cages most of their lives. Chicken may be the perfect food for someone who is very quiet and lethargic, and wants to be more social. But for a high-strung, stressed-out person, chicken is probably not a good food choice"

So, I mean, if you want to be a lot of fun and don't mind having a nose beak, KFC your face off. 

Proof cross-species transference is 100% plausible:

This post was bad for my karma. My kid is definitely going to come out like one of those furry circus people now. I'll have no one to blame but myself.