Photo Friday

I don't know why she doesn't start her own blog. She's got some really good material.

More center part experimenting. I like it better with the wavy hair.

 My sister's aggressive texts claiming Emma Stone as her own. I think they feel aggressive bc of the exclamation marks.

Sometimes her name comes up as Jenna Barnett and sometimes as Jenna McGovern #enigma

Also, please notice that it is 11:34AM and my phone is on it's death bed. WTH? Errday I deal with this.

My self pic above was from this same day. Seriously. I was wearing red skinnies, a black sweater and black boots. 

Later that day another dude of the Mexican persuasion came by my office to let me know I looked just like his daughter with my hair like that. Huh?

Kanye barfed in D's lap in the car. After verifying he wasn't mad enough to, like, throw K out the moving vehicle, I laughed hysterically all the way to Burger King while he cleaned it up with a shammy from my console. He tried to shake the shammy out the window and the chunks blew back in on him. Eventually, my gasping, snorting laughter became contagious, thankfully. Look how pafetic he looks! Poor baby.

 He's official. Sent the AKC paperwork in yesterday. I wonder if Kanye West would RT this if I twitpic'd it?

I got a child off our angel tree at work and she asked for a bike, clothes and a doll. So, I scouted my little cousin for what the cool dolls are for 7yo's and she informed me, these American Girl knock offs from Target are all the rage. 

How-ev-errrrr, they're supposed to look like you! That's the whole point. So I just got the most racially generic doll they had and I'm praying she's a brunette with medium skin... I mean... the odds are ever in my favor.

Peeps with her little American Girl doll. Adorable little twinsies.

When I originally thought, "Oh, I'll ask Piper what kind of doll to get" I seriously scrolled through my phone looking for her number. Like "What the? Who erased P-pie's number out of here?!?" 

Oh wait. Most wee little children do not have phones. I remember.

I don't think he was expecting this to make it on the internet. The only one of my coworkers to try on the cat helmet. 

PS, this guy is like, a super tough guy. Used to be a Navy Seal, competes in triathlons, whole nine yards. 

So, while this is kind of expected humor since you don't know him, it's makes me pee a little when I see it.

 For some reason this cracked my ish up! My sister sent me this pic saying she needed those little fake socks you wear at the top of your boots. I just sat with my head down on my desk and laughed in to my phone. 

She looks ridiculous.

 This. Cabinet. The tape is like fused to the doors, there are no shelves in it so it looks like a gun safe but I kicked and screamed for more storage and because I'm a total wimp, I feel like a tool asking the maintenance crew to come take it back to where ever it came from. 

So it just sits there. Annoying me.

Blue screen of deaaaaaaaaaaaath on my work computer. 

I was like, don't say it if you don't mean it, computer. I hope you do die. I hate you. 

But it didn't die. So, I still hold the record for the oldest, most out of date computer in the entire office.

Not even being dramatic, I'd put $1000 on the fact that I have the oldest computer in the COMPANY. #computerdinosaur

This was taken when my sissy and I went shopping for Thanksgiving groceries. That's a basket with the little produce section in the front FULL OF MICKEY'S MALT LIQUOR! Nothing else in the basket, dude driving the basket scoping out the bacon. Someone knows how to throw a party. #AnEdward40HandsThankgsiving

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1, 2, 3, 4

Awweee. I sure love her.

Cheers!

(No, that's not the Toaster filter. That's the actual bronzer on my actual face 

that's making me look slightly orange in this picture.)

1. I got up extra early so that I'd have time to go to Sbux before dropping Kanyeezie off at my parent's house and I got my mom and sister coffees, too. See? That sister up there with the coffee? I did that. RAK #1, donesky.

2. I'm going to do Random Acts of Kindness this holiday season and I'm going to call them RAKs. And now that I'm posting it, I really have to follow through. I'm wanting to buy small but awesome gifts, wrap them in really, really pretty packaging and then give them to randos who need it. I'm thinking like... leave it on the table for the waitress, give it to the Sbux drive thru girl, or a helpful sales clerk at a busy dept store. Just anyone I want to give a present to during this hectic time of year. I don't know what to get that's generic enough for a stranger... but I'll find something at TJ Maxx, I'm sure of it.

3.Emma. Stone. Sex. Tape. I want to see it but I also want to be a good Emmy (that's my pretend name for Emma Stone fans) and respect her sex-tape-making right to privacy. Surrious fight with my sissy about who's "got" Emma Stone. She used multiple profanities and exclamation points when making her point and intimidated me in to allowing her to claim Em as "her's". I claimed Mila Kunis, obvi, and the Olsen twins who count as just one person for the pair of them, so I came out ahead. Although I'm not sure I've forgiven MK&A for Heath Ledger's death... because I'm almost positive they had something to do with it.

4. Sunday night: Sleep right through the night, Kanye is a little angel. Tuesday night: Sleep through the night, Kanye was a little angel. But Monday night. Oh Monday night.

Imagine: Me, standing in the backyard at 2:00am wearing a red peacoat, leopard print pajama pants & high top sneakers, sobbing uncontrollably, saying over and over, "Kanye, please stop crying. I want your daddy to love you and you're not being very lovable" while Kanye howls in my face. Luckily, my boyfriend is the smartest boyfriend of all the boyfriends in all the land and suggested moving his crate in to our room so he doesn't have separation anxiety. And it worked like a charm. Either that worked or him chasing my parent's dog around for 8 hours, biting her butt hair, while we were at work wore him out. Don't know. Don't care. I slept. For 6 hours. I didn't even DREAM. Glorious.

Isn't his Dropout Bear* sweater just presh? 

The girls at Chick Fil A last night sure thought so. 

I practically thrust him through the drive thru window to show him off. 

*Dropout Bear is the cartoon teddy bear on most of Kanye West's album covers. We've decided Teddy Bears are going to be K-dawg's "thing" because it's funny. Because of Dropout Bear. Just clarifying our quirky, elaborate humor for the world.

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and the survey says

It's the most wonderful time of the year! And with that, comes the most brutal of office forced festivities. However, I happen to LOVE our Ladies Only Secret Santa game. I get such a kick out of being sneaky, stalking people on the internet to find out their interests and shopping, so this is right in my wheel house. Last time I worked in this office and participated in this game, there was drama including a woman looking her secret santa in the eye while theatrically dropping her gift in a garbage can. I couldn't let that kind of thing happen again, so I asked the veteran planner to let me take charge of it. To start off, I made up this survey for everyone to fill out so the Santa would know a little more about her girl. I don't know if this will help the game run a little more smoothly but I'm hoping so! However, when I was filling mine out, it really hit home the double life I lead. So, below, you will find the survey I submitted for my work Secret Santa game and the survey my darker, funnier evil twin of a real self would have submitted.

I think this will guide people to get me gifts I like... which was the point of the survey

And below, the version I would submit if the people in my office knew the real me.

Favorite Color: Black - like my soul

Favorite Snack: a spoon of peanut butter rolled in dark chocolate chips and eaten like a popsicle FOLLOWED BY an ice cream sandwich with roasted peanuts stuck in it followed by an oatmeal cream pie.

Favorite Guilty Pleasure: Taking hundreds of pictures of myself with my iPhone.

Silver or gold? Rose Gold and nothing less, loser.

Winter or summer? Summer because my skin clears up when I get a tan.

Sweet or salty? Sweet - like my soul

Neat or messy? Lived in. Too much either way is weird.

Edward or Jacob? The baby that almost kills Bella in BD1

Favorite way to spend a Saturday afternoon? Day drinking in a pool with my friends

Favorite way to spend a lazy week night? Eating Rosa's, watching Tivo on the couch with my boyfriend.

3 things you just love: TJ Maxx, when plans get cancelled and I can spend more time on the couch, stretchy work out clothes

3 things you just hate: Brad Paisley's cheesy lyrics and the fact that he's famous, Seminole, When people don't laugh at my jokes.

Now. For the hilarious responses to this survey I received from the other girls:

• One girl wrote the three things she hates are "Excuses, Incompetence and Laziness." Good to know. I will not buy you any incompetent or lazy gifts. Also, her guilty pleasure was reading... but her naughtiness was at a level 4?
• Multiple girls scratched out the question about Edward or Jacob and wrote their husband's name. Here's the thing... I'M NOT ASKING YOU TO SLEEP WITH ONE OF THEM! You wouldn't have a chance with one of them anyway. Don't worry. I'm asking who you wanted Bella to end up with!!! Christ, people.
• One girl answered the Edward or Jacob question with 'Christian Grey' which I loved. 
• One girl wrote she hated meanness, dirtiness and poverty. Again, very helpful for your secret santa to know you're a saint.

And that's it. That's all the note-worthy responses to that survey. And 14 girls are playing. Dis-uh-pointing. Please oh please oh please let me get one of the girls with a good sense of humor. I hope to use this opportunity to make a new, life-long friend by buying the most thoughtful, lovely, beautifully packaged secret santa gifts of all time.

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I have a dream - Thanksgiving remix

Thursday I dreamed that a man kidnapped me, cut my wrists and ankles and then bandaged them loosely to make it look like a suicide attempt and left me in a dirty hotel room to die.

I'll blame it on the tryptophan and traumatic experience of hosting my first Thanksgiving, but starting Thursday night, I had just CRAY dreams all weekend. I've always had sickandtwisted dreams but these were doozies.

Now, he cut my wrists down the river, not across the bridge like he knew what he was doing but then cut my ankles... which is a silly place to cut someone. I cut myself there all the time shaving my legs. And in my dream, I remember thinking, like, "amateur move, which seems odd because he's using proper technique on my wrists..." Then I remember in my dream feeling like I was slipping under anesthesia when I was bleeding out, which was really, really scary.

All very gruesome details to get to the most IMPORTANT PART OF MY DREAM: My mom and dad somehow FOUND me in said dirty hotel room and, of course, I was like, "Y'all need to leave, he could come back and get you, too!" because I'm a loving daughter. What do they do? THEY LEAVE, ya'll! And they do not take me with them! In a genuinely remorseful tone, they say "Yea... she's a goner. Let's get out of here" and roll out.

So, funny story, I don't die! Probably because I have a renewed purpose to live... to yell at them and make them feel guilty for the rest of their lives! So, I get out of the hotel room and I'm painfully running through crowds of tourists in Paris under the Eiffel Tower and I know he's chasing me but I can't see him and this rush of activity and panic jolts me from my dream. Unfortunately, I do not wake all the way and D had to calm a thrashing and hyperventilating girlfriend. He came out unharmed, thankfully.

The NEXT night I had a dream that this same murderer guy hosted a dinner party and I was like, "meh, he's probably a changed man. I love a good dinner party, I think I'll go" and then it turns out he's a vampire. So I escape with some old high school soccer pals and we decide to go to the Black Keys concert downtown... where, again, in a crowd, I know he's there chasing me but I can't see him... to the soundtrack of the BK's Brothers album.

And then, last night I had a dream I was morbidly obese but that's probably because I decided to lay around in boxer shorts and a tank top watching Homeland right before bed and the full glory of what my thighs have become is burned in to my memory. Back to the ArcTrainer today.

Here are some happy pictures from my weekend to make this a more upbeat post.

Also, for propriety sake in this Thanksgiving post, I'm especially thankful this year for Midland. I live across the alley from my traitorous parents (I haven't forgiven them for their dream-crime but I still love them), I get to kiss my perfect little niece's baby toes when I feel like it and I'm finally in the same place as my rock-awesome boyfriend. Midland, contrary to popular belief, is totes the bee's knees.

My puppy got to come home with me this weekend! More to come on him later.

Our masks at the Tech v Baylor game (that we lost in overtime! wahhh!)

I made this pretty pot of cranberries in to legit, homemade cranberry sauce! 

I was so proud of it, my swollen head about burst.

I'm considering the center part. I have a long oval face so I usually avoid this but I'm going to have a long, oval face no matter how I part my hair so I may attempt to rock it this winter... opinions? #fiveheadphobia

I want to be able to do those monogram thingies that are all the rage so I've been practicing while on the phone with water reps at work. Not bad for doodling while talking technical aspects of desalination plants, right? 

Also, I'm obsessed with my boyfriend. Sorry I'm not sorry.

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My Illegitimate Child

Hi, my name is Kanye and there is nothing wrong with my ears.

 I think we have everything we need for Kanyeezie. See photo below of my completely not over-the-top pet nesting! I'm really proud of myself for not Paris Hilton-ing out and buying everything I saw for the little man.  We're picking him up Sunday while we're in Dallas for the Texas Tech v Baylor game. We're taking D's mom which means I have to sit and watch Tech probably suck butt and lose to Baylor whilst sober! like stone sober. asdfl;kjsdjfsa ugh. But then I get a puppy! Hooray!

A few of my faves are the Bil & Jac High Protein Puppy Food (#paleopuppy);  peepads (please oh please don't need these, Kdawg); his dropout teddy bear sweater; his super super reflective collar that his gingerbread toy is wearing; and my heat pack! (That thing on the bottom left)

Now. The heat pack I made. I can't decide if I just felt like being crafty and that spawned this unnecessary worry about Kanye missing his litter or if my gen-u-ine mama bear concern for him spawned my crafty spirit. Does it matter? I made him one. I filled it with brown rice and sleepy-time tea leaves and sewed it up. Microwave for 1 minute and it's the perfect little warm, squishy companion for him.

HOWEVER, my aunt made a comment about it smelling good and him chewing it and then EATING THE RICE and I got this horrifying image of him eating a bunch of uncooked rice, it swelling in his stomach and him exploding like a pigeon. So I sewed each seam like 4 times but I may be too chicken to leave it in his crate.

D has literally been working until dark (which is at 6:30pm so... i mean... not THAT late) every night getting the yard ready for Kanye. Like, manual labor, hoeing weeds and hauling pavers and whatnot AFTER working 8 hours so that there aren't any stickers for his little paws and there's nowhere for him to escape under the fence. Not even complaining about it, either. He rocks so much I can't get over it.

My hardworkin' Huck Finn 

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Bloggy Hello

I'm starting a blog. It's going to be pretty narcissistic for a while because it's just me. Someday I'll have a husband and a family and I'll write about them, too. I don't think I have to explain much more because I can't help but think my only followers will be related to me. I'm spinning this as a place for me to watch myself grow as a person... but really it's just a place to post all the stuff I'm worried people would judge me for if I posted it on Facebook.

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